My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
