$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
