Betty ford says i'm here all night
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
