You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
