Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
