well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're a waste of cheezeits
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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