the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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