I wish I only lived at night.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
