I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
