my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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