I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
