maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
