girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
