I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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