I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
