Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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