i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
