i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
