No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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