i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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