hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
