She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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