hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
