grandma shit on top of the toilet
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
