He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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