I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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