I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
