Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
