i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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