i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm passing your future prison.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
