Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
