Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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