I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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