your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
