I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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