you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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