Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
