Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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