Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
