Apparently you make a good broom.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
