Betty ford says i'm here all night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I supernannyed him into submission
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
