I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
