I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
