My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
