note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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