im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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