I haven't been this sober since birth.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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