I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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