Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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