Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
